Dear Christian Radio Station K-LOVE,

So I was helping clean up after my church's Good Friday service and somebody put K-LOVE on the sound system. I don't generally listen to your station, mostly because the song list isn't quite to my taste, but you know, whatever.

Around 8:30 or so, your DJ person came in from a song and said, "Happy Good Friday!"

Seriously K-LOVE? I can understand non-Christians not knowing that that phrasing isn't optimal and that it could be considered mildly offensive. I can even understand some less observant Christians making the mistake. But we're talking about someone who has secured a position as an on-air personality at one of the big name Christian music stations.

Anyway, it's not like I'm SO! VERY! OFFENDED! or anything, but it will make me think twice when I go spinning through the radio dial.

Rock on,
Matt

Dear Makers of Charmin® toilet tissue,

I would like to begin by thanking you for your continued efforts to improve Charmin® toilet tissue. Having been a long time user of toilet tissue, I can honestly say that no toilet tissue “does the job” like Charmin® toilet tissue.

That said, I must confess confusion with recent marketing literature for “NEW” Charmin® Ultra Strong toilet tissue. (I know that you’ve taken to calling it “bath tissue,” but nobody uses Charmin in the bath. Let’s just be honest about it.) Here’s the outside of the mailer (click for a bigger view):

I’ll get right to the point. What in blue blazes is going on with that bear’s backside?!? Is it fizzing? Has the bear sat down in a patch of dandelions and gotten the seed thingies stuck on its buttocks? There’s a third option that I won’t name and hesitate to even mention, but –wink wink nudge nudge–? Is that it?

I think that the white things are supposed to be clean sparkles, but the wide-spread pattern would indicate that the bear hasn’t realized that it shouldn’t sit down in its own waste, which is a problem in itself. The mere fact that I’ve spent any amount of time contemplating the state of a bear’s rear end is disconcerting to say the least.

Opening up your card, I find that the bear is still admiring its bottom (it does have some nice badonkadonk, now that I notice it), this time from the left. And the white sparkly things are still there, which is still troublesome. But my main cause for concern on this page is the text, which proudly proclaims that this toilet tissue “leaves fewer pieces behind.”

I’ll be frank with you; I’m not even sure what that means. What does it leave behind fewer pieces of? As I see it, there are only two possibilities here: Either you’re saying that this new toilet tissue of yours leaves fewer pieces of fecal matter behind, or you’re saying that it leaves fewer pieces of toilet tissue behind.

Neither option leaves me entirely pleased to have opened my mail today.

And here we come to the final page, the page that wraps it all up with a clear explanation of the new product. And yet I feel just as lost as before. You’re still referring to the “pieces” and being “pieces-free clean,” but you still haven’t told me what the pieces ARE.

I know it has something to do with DiamondWeave™ Texture, which apparently makes this Charmin® stronger than regular Charmin®, but . . .

I give up. I’ve decided that “NEW” Charmin® Ultra Strong toilet tissue just isn’t for me. I haven’t really had that much trouble with either of the conditions that DiamondWeave™ Texture may have been designed to alleviate. To tell you the truth, I’m kind of upset at having been forced to put this much thought into my toilet tissuing decision. Live and learn, I suppose.

Thank you for your time.

Your friend,
Matt